Yes, I am alone. But then again I always was. My life must be going through some sort of transitional period right now. Things have been coming fast and furious, and seem just as quickly to recede into unconsciousness and obscurity. Not that such a state is bad, it offers tremendous opportunity for change and new growth. The past two and a half years or so when I was with Miranda were good, but very stable, so perhaps the time for change is overdue. I find myself drifting further and further away from certain people and situations I used to be close to. These things happen. People change. We all live in our own universes, and tend to get separated from others. I also find myself being separated from new friends far too soon... like Micheal and Nicole, who have been my anchors in reality for the past month and a half. I've known them for such a short time, but it feels much, much longer. I have tentative plans to visit them while they stay in Chicago, and perhaps moving with them to New Mexico after I finish school. Other than that, and meeting a lot of other new acquaintances, I have been terminally alone for the past few months. It may seem unusual to be surrounded by people you know, and still be lonely - but I'm sure as many people can attest, it is not. I have been fortunate in the quantitative aspects of friendship... much less so in the qualitative. I have also been tremendously unlucky in matters of "love" (a not unusual state of affairs for me) - if you wish to call it that. There are so few women I meet who I could actually have a meaningful relationship with, and those few who I think I might have some common ground with seem without exception to either be in a relationship, or so involved in their own personal drama and issues that it seems pointless for me to pursue them further. That, and unfortunately, oftentimes, the more you get to know someone, the less you like them.
I've had a really hard time writing lately. Expressing myself in words. Emotions have swelled and I've gotten the urge to do it a few times, but I inevitably end up scrapping the results. I guess I'm in another one of those stages where it all just feels contrived and pointless. Like I'm pandering to an invisible audience. I don't know if I could describe the full state of my inner thoughts - nor if I would want to.
Love, Luck, Lifetime Guarantees and Other Things Assholes Believe In. I'm not sure where I am right now. It seems like no one in this fucking world knows what they want. Everyone is floating around as if in some waking dream, never knowing why they are unsatisfied. Well I know what I want. Unfortunately, I have not found it yet... Or have not found the person who also wants it. Is life really so complicated? It's simple. People want to feel alive. They want to be loved. They want to experience deep meaning, and connection, and ecstasy with others, and with the world around them. I've just found some very deep meaning in my life. My eyes have been opened up to new things, and I have no one to share it with on an intimate level. It's like seeing incredible beauty and having no way to express it. It's fucking hard.
It's very hard to try again and again, and to be rejected. I thought I was getting better at this whole thing, but I think really the only thing I've gotten better at is handling it. And that just isn't good enough. It's like I'm two people right now. On one level I have this extreme joy, optimism, and love of life, and on another level, I am still nonetheless getting kicked around and ignored by life, and more importantly, by people. It can't help but hurt. I don't want my pain to fucking poison me though as it has in the past. I think I am beyond that.
But still, it's hard.
It's hard to deal with that cold, numb and empty feeling in your hands and fingertips. That gnawing emptiness that feels like a hole in your chest. Like your soul is slowly bleeding to death. That awareness that you are alone, and that others just don't care enough...
Oh, they care a little bit. But not enough. Not enough to give you what you need. What every human being needs. Love, understanding, sympathy, closeness.
But fuck. I feel myself spiraling down, so I should probably stop.
If you feel the need to spout some half-hearted words of consolation, please do ME a favor, and go fuck yourself. Your pity is the last goddamn thing I need.
Today's Special: Still Beating Hearts This is the second love I've had to cut out of my life in under a year. Though that term probably isn't accurate, since they didn't feel the same. The tragedy of my life is that I lose something I love for everything I gain. I don't know if it's worth it.
From death row, Mumia Abu-Jamal talks about the real causes behind war. From the faked Gulf of Tonkin incident, to Zbigniew Brzezinski, one of the key architects of the current "war of civilizations." For some unknown reason (perhaps this piece was recorded before the 9/11 attacks, and the subsequent war on terrorism), Mumia does not focus on something even more important in the Brzezinski interview... That is the fact that Brzezinski himself admits that he and the U.S. government are responsible for the rise of militant Islamic fundamentalism.
From the same interview (recall that this interview was conducted in 1998) mentioned in the video:
"Q: And neither do you regret having supported the Islamic fundementalists, having given arms and advice to future terrorists?
Brzezinski: What is most important to the history of the world? The Taliban or the collapse of the Soviet empire? Some stirred-up Moslems or the liberation of Central Europe and the end of the cold war?
Q: Some stirred-up Moslems? But it has been said and repeated: Islamic fundamentalism represents a world menace today.
Brzezinski: Nonsense! It is said that the West had a global policy in regard to Islam. That is stupid. There isn't a global Islam. Look at Islam in a rational manner and without demagoguery or emotion. It is the leading religion of the world with 1.5 billion followers. But what is there in common among Saudi Arabian fundamentalism,moderate Morocco, Pakistan militarism, Egyptian pro-Western or Central Asian secularism? Nothing more than what unites the Christian countries."
One might think he was just a short-sighted war criminal who believed his own words, were it not for the fact that he were a member of the Council on Foreign Relations - an organization whose own publication "Foreign Affairs" advanced a popular theory in 1993 (expanded into a book in 1996) known as the Clash of Civilizations. This theory, popularized by Samuel Huntington stated that after the cold war the primary axis of conflict in the future would be along cultural and religious lines. Pretty good prediction, huh? Funny how Brzezinski was "in the dark" about that one.
Some more background... Zbigniew Brzezinski was the National Security Advisor to Carter in the late 1970's, and he is the author of the revealing book "The Grand Chessboard," in which he outlines his plan to divide and conquer Eurasia and describes how America can achieve world primacy, a state of affairs which "paradoxically" resolves into the establishment of a world government.
Make no mistake, the forthcoming "clash of civilizations" and the rise of Islamic extremists or terrorists, is no accident, and is the result of plans that have been a long time in coming.
The American Union is REAL. It's time to wake up, sheep. Remember how I've been talking about that whole American Union thing... a plan drafted up by the Council on Foreign Relations called "Building a North American Community" (aww, how sweet) to merge our border with Mexico and Canada? Well apparently CNN has finally gotten around to reporting on it. Let's see if this thing gets any more than some token resistance from Lou Dobbs. Probably not, the American people are too stupid to know or care what is going on. Also admittedly they are being kept in the dark, and anyone who talks about this stuff is labeled a "conspiracy theorist." Oh well, even if it was widely known and there was resistance, our leaders don't listen to us anyway, remember? We're like cattle to them. Well enjoy your New World Order... your cognitive dissonance will probably have you believing that the detainment centers are actually "health spas" or something.
Potential New Terror Attack in the Works? Listening to the Alex Jones show now, and they're covering the "official" death of al-Zarqawi. ...How many times has this guy been reported dead or captured now (at least four times - he was also reported as captured, and then escaped)? But apparently the Pentagon has given this one the official sanction. Jack Blood (filling in for Alex Jones) brings up a good point: How does the government justify killing (reality check: the most likely already dead) al-Zarqawi? If they had this guy tracked down and cornered in a house somewhere, couldn't they have gone in with a raid and tried to capture him (for some reason they had to bomb him, but as reported by CNN they did 17 seperate raids AFTER he was killed by an airstrike which revealed a "treasure trove" of information)? You would think someone that high up in the (most likely fictional) "Al Qaeda in Iraq" organization would be a valuable prisoner, who could be interrogated (read: tortured), and perhaps might be able to lead the government to the whereabouts of (the also dead) Osama Bin Laden. But no, as always, the government's own fantasy story has no internal logic to it... And what's more, no one will notice or care, or raise any criticism, or even just try to figure out the circumstances behind what happened besides what the pentagon tells us. This is because Americans see Zarqawi's death trumpeted on the news, and don't even stop to question the story they're told or realize their opinion is being formulated for them. And of course the media is basically a sounding board for the official missives from the Pentagon's ministry of propaganda. Do people even realize HOW MUCH mainstream news contradicts itself? People in this society have no sense of fucking history. Things disappear out of the news cycle, and whatever new propaganda they report in the media becomes the new "truth." This shit is fucking WORSE than 1984, because they don't even have to destroy the old evidence... instead, it's just simply ignored.
Want the proof that 9/11 was an inside job? Do you think it's possible our government could have aided, or even carried out the attacks of September 11th? Do you think that any suggestion of such a thing is ridiculous "conspiracy theory?" If so, I welcome you to read on, and even more, feel free to question me or raise any doubts you might have, or evidence you've found which contradicts what I say. I fully encourage any discussion of this issue, even if you disagree with me.
If you've bothered to read this far, I want you to STOP and ask yourself right now if you're ready for the truth. Are you INTERESTED in the truth, or are you just going to skip over this bulletin, or perhaps read it and forget about it? Because if you do that, it doesn't matter HOW MUCH proof there is that our government participated in 9/11... And that's exactly what they want you to do. They're depending on the fact that you're too uninterested, or too wrapped up in the latest CD or TV show to care. If you ignore this, they win, and the media's brainwashing has been successful. As our founding father Thomas Jefferson once said, "All tyranny needs to gain a foothold is for people of good conscience to remain silent."
There are mountains of evidence which suggest that 9/11 was an inside job - all of which have been covered up or gone unreported by the mainstream media. However, there's really only ONE thing you need to know about the subject which rips a gigantic hole in the official story, and that is the fact that our government was running "wargame" exercises at precisely the same time as the terrorist attacks on the morning of September 11th, 2001.
What did these wargames consist of? Most of them were drills of our fighter jets, or simulated scenarios of planes being hijacked and even used for terror attacks. Perhaps you're asking yourself "why is this important?" For the simple fact that due to the drills taking place that day, if the 9/11 attacks had occured on ANY DAY OTHER THAN SEPTEMBER 11th 2001, it would have been IMPOSSIBLE for them to succeed. If they would have occured on any other day, there would be no confusion as to whether the hijackings were real or not, and there would have been plenty of fighter jets ready to scramble to defend our skies.
With this knowledge, it would make sense for one to ask HOW the terrorists got the information that military drills would be taking place on that particular day. Think about the fact that most of the military personnel themselves probably didn't even know that there would be drills on that day, yet SOMEHOW Al Qaeda knew early enough to plan their operation far in advance around this particular date, and reserve their plane tickets. If this is true, don't you think this would raise some concern about high level terrorist spies or moles within our own military? It seems to me the fact that most of our nation's fighter planes would be pre-occupied with drills and unable to defend our eastern seaboard would be something that we would want to keep as quiet as possible for obvious security reasons. Yet somehow these terrorists knew exactly when to strike, and they knew well before hand... so again, HOW? If they have spies within the upper levels of our military, why has this NEVER been brought up. Why is it that most people don't even know that drills were taking place on that day? You would think that if there were terrorist spies that that would be a serious cause for concern, and something warranting a MAJOR investigation... yet that possibility is never even mentioned in any of the government's official explainations about 9/11.
And going back to the drills, you might be asking yourself "well if the fighter jets were already in the air, wouldn't that make it easier to defend against terror attacks?" Perhaps... except for the fact that most of the planes had been sent as far away as possible - to Alaska and Canada for the drills, not to mention the fact that the FAA and Norad's radar screen was filled with "false blips," or simulated hijacked aircraft which would have made it difficult for air traffic controllers to even figure out what was real and what was a simulation.
So the questions remain: how did Al Qaeda know to attack America on that day? Why were no investigations conducted into HOW they knew? Why was a potential security breach this HUGE not even MENTIONED or INVESTIGATED by our government or the 9-11 Commission?
In my mind, this question alone, based on IRREFUTABLE (although SELDOM MENTIONED) proof, casts enough doubt on things to call the entire "official story" into serious question... And trust me, this is only scratching the surface.
If you want to know more about the wargames that were taking place that day, and learn the full scope of the unanswered questions about 9/11, the links below should provide you with more than enough information:
Chromakey Dreamcoat I finally got Boards of Canada's latest album The Campfire Headphase about a week or so ago. If "love" had a sound, this would be it. It makes me want to take heroic doses of mushrooms and just lay on a green fucking hillside somewhere in Scotland on a beautiful summer's day.
Weird dream... I was in an auditorium, sort of like a large university classroom with stadium seating and those long, narrow tables, with the attatched swivel chairs, that go all the way across the room. There was some sort of mandatory school-like function taking place and the subject being spoken about was 9/11 - something mindlessly patriotic and innocuous like a tribute to the victims or something. Just before the presentation was about to begin, I went up to the front and asked one of the functionaries if they could add me to the speakers list. Which, after checking with his superiors he told me no. I resigned myself to just asking pointed questions if they tried to foist any lies on us, or perhaps yell something out about how 9/11 was an inside job. Once I got back to my seat some kind of large disruption broke out, people started standing up, running around, and making a lot of noise. Being annoyed by this since it was delaying things, I managed to pinpoint the source of the disturbance, which was two black girls who had gotten into some kind of Jerry Springer-like scuffle. I went over there, grabbed the instigator by the weave, slapped her, and yelled "BITCH, sit your trifling ass DOWN!" This seemed to defuse the situation. I sat back down and a blonde girl in a hoodie sitting at the table in front of me (who was an underage girl I used to know on the internet, who I haven't even thought about for 4 years) was turned around, having a conversation with the person sitting next to me on my right hand side. This annoyed me as well, so I made some sort of snappy comment to her about turning around and shutting the fuck up. My vitriolic anger made her start to cry and she looked up at me with sad puppy dogs eyes, so I gave her a hug and began to console her. This cheered her up remarkably fast, then she turned to me and said "I'm 19 now, and I have 20 dollars in my pocket. Want to get married?" To which I replied, "Yeah right." Then all of a sudden the scene changed and I was beating up Jack Black with ninjutsu moves in my back yard.
My literature teacher once told me I was too "wordy." I was reading back on some of my old journal entries today, and I realized that I never really write anything anymore. Well, I've written things, but nothing that could be considered real writing, or poetry. I thought to myself "why?" and I didn't have a good answer... So here is the first thing I've written in a few years, it's a Saul Williams/Aceyalone inspired missive:
I realize that this life is a realization of the ultimate trip which is neverending. I'm sending mind-bending postcards back from the black void of beyond as a form of mending the rending caused by a lack of understanding. A man deemed mortal could not stand under this demanding teaching without me reaching his heart and soul, breaching his whole paradigm to a place where space and time stands still. I fulfill human destinies at will, yet until I find my fate this mind state is detrimental, as an infinite soul locked in a mold cannot control it's unlimited potential. ...Let alone achieve a reprieve from this penitentiary, where they would have you believe that penitence is essential. This dimensional paradox is very vexing, but sex seems a good substitute for the absolute, so cosmic prostitutes stand resolute on the street corners while little Jack Horners penetrate their pie. Thus we spy spiders in the form of spiritual whores of Babylon babbling on their webpages, while I stand firm and return to the source code to confirm my exaltation. My third eye discerns that my high station is achieved by liberation from all limitations... But from this vantage point I must point out that I doubt the best is yet to come. So I time travel backwards to unravel the mysteries of history from which we flee due to the hesitation of the sixth degree of seperation. Fuck your medications, I libate great debates based on my meditations to make you vibrate with elation.
Could the symbolism be any more obvious? So, I heard that they were finally starting to build the "Freedom" Tower when it occured to me that I hadn't seen the final design for the building. I was soley interested in doing so to see if I could find any obvious Illuminati or occult symbolism. Of course... there's plenty.
Not only does it resemble an obelisk, it has a spire that emits light at the top, which is supposed to resemble a torch. The torch, the eternal flame, the sun, obelisks etc. have long been known as some of the favorite symbols of the Illuminati, and other occultists. All of this symbolism of light, fire, and the sun tie in with the worship of Lucifer the "lightbringer" or Phosphoros, god of the morningstar as he was refered to in ancient Greece, which of course adopted many of it's gods and mystery religions (later passed on to Rome) from the Babylonian and Egyptian mystery religions. This stuff is all made completely obvious and is par for the course if you've read any of the treatsies written by members of occult secret societies, such as the Freemason Albert Pike's Morals and Dogma, or Manly P. Hall's Secret Teachings of All Ages. Oh yeah, and it's also 1,776 feet tall... not only the date of our country's founding, but also the year of the founding of the Bavarian Illuminati.
After seeing this, I was curious to see if there was any other mention of this occult signifigance in the tower design, and suprisingly nothing much turned up except an article at infowars.net, which talks more about this and other examples of Illuminati symbolism: http://infowars.net/Pages/Jul05/020705Obelisk.html
"They don't mind you givin' the latest rap They don't mind your being hoes They don't mind your being bitches They don't mind you being whatever image that Viacom and BET can come up with But they don't want you to know... That you're the one who can redefine civilization if you take time to do it."
It's a Guerrilla Funk-orchestrated, counter-attack Formulate and infiltrate em so the people react See if I was wicked I would pick and stick to a plan To rule the world and trick em, this is how it began
See I'd have to find a way to keep the people enslaved Behave, teach the babies it's my way or the grave And start with the body, workin' labor for free And give em fake religion so they worshippin' me
And see and when the free labor play out, I'd let it go But only after I made enough to control Then I'd tell em that the Afterlife is better than this And that they should love their enemies when faced with contempt
I'd persist with some history that I would rewrite In a school system where I'd keep the money too tight I'd let em all know just where they belong in my world Turn the boys into felons, makin' hookers of girls
Swirled up in my plan, build jails to keep All my prisons full of niggas, have em workin' for free See with ghetto-economics in check, I'd keep em broke Teach em only to respect sports, music, and dope
Control the content of lyrics, now only the sound Of sex, dope and murder in a song is allowed Tell em "Niggas ain't shit" every move that they make And that black is dirty so they never try to be great
Can you relate? I'd laugh, watch em murder for scraps Set it up so they'd die over crack I provide Do it right, and I'd see they try to be like me Try to be the biggest "G" up in these murderous streets
I'd teach, manhood means how many women ya fuck How many babies you can make, responsibility ducked Fuck a job, real men are pimps, that's what I'd teach And if bitches wanna trip, then them bitches get beat
I'd see it all through, never lose, and pass a new law Give em 3 strikes so the men are constantly gone Yeah, if I was evil they would think I do no wrong See it's lethal how I keep em in their place so long... believe
I got my eyes upon you, and all the things that you do Some close they eyes but mine can see, all the evil surrounding me So what I'm 'posed ta do, when I can see right through? Expose the lies and snatch the sheets, fight the evil surrounding me
After all is said and done here, and I could afford I'd concentrate deeply on controllin' abroad And think about a way to take control of they land I'd create a virus made to murder people en masse
Last time was Tuskegee, but now it's for real House Bill 15090 would just kill With germs that would murder with sperm, and blood drips And kill em all worser than burned, they'd die quick
See to understand, you could witness the plan Through the green monkey sham they would think it began And while we argue over the cost, they'd all die With generations all being lost with no fight
I'd continue with the pain, make it oh-so plain I'd manipulate the market for my capital gain Keep the people all broke and confused and underclass Give my homies all executive bonuses through the crash
And if the heat get too hot, I'd plant a bomb Or wreck a plane, just like Hitler back in the day And scare all the people, they'd forget about me They'd forget about elections and the way that we cheated
See me blame it on a foreigner and non-white men Celebrate my gestapo with a positive spin Then manipulate the media - it's U.S. first Get the stupid-ass public to agree with my words
Then I'd make the play, takin' all their freedoms away Incarcerate anybody that'll get in my way Make em censor any media that challenge the mold Give em bullshitty shows just like Anna Nicole's
Control the message in the music - it's gangsta fo sho Give em diamonds, never tell em 'bout the conflict zones Never tell em 'bout the murder in Sierra Leone Never tell em how the diamonds make em murder their own
It's all too easy, if I was evil that's how I'd rock it Make sure that my propaganda won't ever stop it Got 120 channels, but it's nothin' to watch Now 11:55 be the time on the clock. Believe...
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alephomega's journal
